Sleeping Babies, Sleepless Mommy

It's 4am and I can't seem to get back to sleep. The onslaught of heat saps what little energy I can muster everyday. Although, I'm not exactly complaining after the horrid winter we had. It's just that the super-heated days combined with my frequent menopausal hot flashes compound my fatigue. I can't seem to get enough sleep or water to counter the effects. Being awake at this quiet hour, I did check on my babies to make sure that they are sleeping comfortably in this heat. They look beyond cute in nothing but their overnight Pull-Ups. Spencer woke up with a messy nose-bleed earlier but I cleaned him up, gave him a cool cloth wipe-down and he drifted right back to sleep with minimal whimpering. Rowan had his hand tucked under his cheek like a sweet little baby, but just shifted so that he is sleeping butt up in the air and limbs curled under like a diapered turtle.

They are growing so fast and losing their baby fat that I love so much, so I pinch their little butt cheeks while I still can. Looking at their elongated baby bodies, I'm still astounded at how I managed to brew up such big, beautiful babies in my belly. They used to fit in there together! Now they are their own little people, with completely opposite but big personalities, capable of so much love and mischief. My sons don't know or understand how sick I am, but they hug me so tightly, and laugh and play so innocently, that no medicine could possibly make me feel as good. I can't begin to imagine how much worse this illness would be if I had never had my children as a daily source of joy and comfort to me. It's a bittersweet realization to know that I have them in my life, yet I might not a life with them if I don't beat this thing. I HAVE to be around to help them grow up-- this thought consumes many of my waking hours. I want to teach them about the absolute value of family and friendships, having compassion and empathy for others, the importance of education, and living life with purpose and merit. I want them to always know how special they are, even when they are just sleeping.