Sometimes we want so desperately to set things right, and in doing so we may be stirring up more trouble for ourselves. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? It's hard to know where to draw the line when pursuing some sense of justice. We want others to understand how badly we've been wronged, but is continually bringing it up the right thing to do? Holding in our grief is not good either because we end up stewing over unresolved confrontations. Anger is poison, but resentment is when we swallow it. Letting bad people hide behind the shroud of polite tolerance is equally wrong. But whose job is it to teach bad people a lesson? Seeking justice is not the same as getting revenge because I believe the former can be achieved more benignly. I am working a little everyday to set things right, but I need to do it the right way.
I spoke before about trying with difficulty to forgive those who have wronged me. I held it in for so long that now I feel an implosion of emotions that I must sort out. Throughout this process, I have actually achieved greater overall calm. But I am still working on the cathartic exercises that will help me achieve true serenity. Peace of mind is precious to us all because we want to live relatively worry-free, to sleep well at night, to keep our integrity intact. Sometimes we are given burdens that seem almost impossible to bear, and yet unbelievably, even more weight is placed upon us. But what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, and I have never believed that more than now. Where my physical strength may have waned, my mind has gotten stronger in order to fill the deficit. In time, I will be restored to full health again and I will draw on that strength in order to raise my sons and go about my life with more purpose than before. I feel a sense of hope and possibility, but first I must call out those who didn't believe me, those who didn't believe in me, and those whose bad behavior towards me was simply unbelievable. But I will purge with care and caution so that I don't blur the line between seeking justice vs. revenge. As my friend LouAnn so wisely put it, "Remember when you are pointing a finger, there may be four fingers pointing right back at you."
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wish List vs. Action Items
The holidays are always a time of reflection, and this year the annual exercise is even more intense for me. Here I am, seven months after diagnosis with a better than could be hoped for outcome. Around Thanksgiving, I encouraged everyone to make a list of things they wanted or still hoped to accomplish if they knew their time in this life would be cut short. If you made a list for yourself, look through it again and determine which ones are wishes for things or events that you are simply waiting for. Then determine which things on that list can only be attained or achieved if you act on it. Therein lies the difference. So many times, we sit and dream about the things we want to happen to us, like winning the lottery, or finding true love, or getting a better job, or having more meaningful relationships with friends and family. But what are we doing towards making those things come true? Did you buy that lotto ticket? Are you putting yourself out there to find a relationship? Are you a positive employee who contributes meaningfully to your company or at least trying to find a career that better suits you? Are you loving and appreciating the people in your life as you should or are you waiting for them to love you first before reciprocating?
When I go to treatment, I see a few of the same smiling faces each time and witness many acts of kindness between nurses and patients, and among the patients themselves. They sometimes talk across the room to each other, tell jokes or stories, find humor in their situation, sincerely wish each other happy holidays, help each other open doors, push IV stands, or settle comfortably in the infusion chairs with blankets and pillows. You'd be surprised to hear how much laughter there is in that busy infusion room, despite each chair being occupied by a cancer patient. I realize that these cancer patients have discovered a little of life's meaning through this experience. That we all face separate battles in life, even if they fall under the same description. Each journey is unique and sometimes battles must be fought individually, but not necessarily alone. Along the way we can find allies who can provide company, comfort and hope. They can be total strangers or the people you know and love dearly.
I usually read a magazine and drink a cup of tea to pass the 3 hours of infusion. But sometimes I put the magazines down and just watch the other patients and try to read their life story in their faces or guess what kind of cancer they have. Other times, I sit and daydream about all the things I hope to accomplish or do with my kids once treatment is finally over. But then I stop and think about how I am actually going to get there without simply waiting on it. It's one thing to wish for something and quite another to do everything necessary to make it happen. So these days, when I make a wish, that wish is accompanied by a mini-list of action items that I need to do in order to make my wish come true. Some of us are lucky enough to have good things fall into our lap, but all of us must realize that we have to actively choose the right place to sit for that to happen. Whether or not you want to accept the idea, we are all the products of our choices in life. Sometimes we make bad choices or mistakes that land us in unpleasant or unhappy situations, but there is always a way out if we find a way to turn things around. Sometimes, it's a lot of work to pull yourself out of a hole that you've dug, but it's better than just lying down and letting yourself get buried. There's so much that you have control over, but it's also a form of taking control to cut your losses when things don't work out.
I wish to be done with cancer for good, I wish for my sons to have a safe and happy childhood, I wish things to be better for friends and family who are suffering poor health or misfortunes of their own. But beyond simply wishing for these things, I will do whatever I can and contribute as much as I am able in order to better my own lot in life as well as those for whom I love. Our health and happiness are inextricably linked, so when things are going good for you, please help others who are in a less fortunate place. It's all a part of finding allies, comfort and hope as I mentioned before.
Turn those wishes into action items to give them a better chance of coming true....
When I go to treatment, I see a few of the same smiling faces each time and witness many acts of kindness between nurses and patients, and among the patients themselves. They sometimes talk across the room to each other, tell jokes or stories, find humor in their situation, sincerely wish each other happy holidays, help each other open doors, push IV stands, or settle comfortably in the infusion chairs with blankets and pillows. You'd be surprised to hear how much laughter there is in that busy infusion room, despite each chair being occupied by a cancer patient. I realize that these cancer patients have discovered a little of life's meaning through this experience. That we all face separate battles in life, even if they fall under the same description. Each journey is unique and sometimes battles must be fought individually, but not necessarily alone. Along the way we can find allies who can provide company, comfort and hope. They can be total strangers or the people you know and love dearly.
I usually read a magazine and drink a cup of tea to pass the 3 hours of infusion. But sometimes I put the magazines down and just watch the other patients and try to read their life story in their faces or guess what kind of cancer they have. Other times, I sit and daydream about all the things I hope to accomplish or do with my kids once treatment is finally over. But then I stop and think about how I am actually going to get there without simply waiting on it. It's one thing to wish for something and quite another to do everything necessary to make it happen. So these days, when I make a wish, that wish is accompanied by a mini-list of action items that I need to do in order to make my wish come true. Some of us are lucky enough to have good things fall into our lap, but all of us must realize that we have to actively choose the right place to sit for that to happen. Whether or not you want to accept the idea, we are all the products of our choices in life. Sometimes we make bad choices or mistakes that land us in unpleasant or unhappy situations, but there is always a way out if we find a way to turn things around. Sometimes, it's a lot of work to pull yourself out of a hole that you've dug, but it's better than just lying down and letting yourself get buried. There's so much that you have control over, but it's also a form of taking control to cut your losses when things don't work out.
I wish to be done with cancer for good, I wish for my sons to have a safe and happy childhood, I wish things to be better for friends and family who are suffering poor health or misfortunes of their own. But beyond simply wishing for these things, I will do whatever I can and contribute as much as I am able in order to better my own lot in life as well as those for whom I love. Our health and happiness are inextricably linked, so when things are going good for you, please help others who are in a less fortunate place. It's all a part of finding allies, comfort and hope as I mentioned before.
Turn those wishes into action items to give them a better chance of coming true....
Sunday, December 7, 2008
The Incredible Lightness of Being
The Incredible Lightness of Being. This phrase holds my mind captive. It's not to be confused with the book and movie called, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." What the incredible lightness of being represents to me is a sudden, transient sensation of joy in the life, free from want or worry. A cataclysmic explosion of happiness and contentment that dissipates quickly, but leaves a singular sensation of life's sweetness distilled into a fleeting moment. Throughout this experience, I have been blessed with many such moments, and those are the ones I am throwing my concentration on so that I can harness the good energy derived from their enjoyment.
When worry keeps me up at night, I could look into the sleeping faces of my little boys and see peace and innocence. If only we could only borrow a bit of these precious qualities from our children, our adult lives might be better lived. I remember lying in the grass under my dad's immense cedar tree in the backyard and staring up at a cloud-free blue sky; warm October sunshine penetrating my skin and driving out the chill in my bones. For a few peaceful moments, the pain in my body simply didn't register. The clear sky seen through tangles of fragrant cedar branches while lying still on my back gave me a sensation of falling up into the universe. It's the same feeling I experienced while watching a meteor shower from my sleeping bag when was just a kid. I stared so long at the starry sky that I felt as if I was swirling up, up into the cosmos. I felt light as air and part of the bigger universe, no longer confined to my corner of the world. I've heard Spencer laughing in his sleep, and Rowan sighing very contentedly. It makes me wonder what 2-year olds dream about when they are sleeping.
Watching Rowan and Spencer laugh while running wildly through water fountains at Great Wolf Lodge, or bouncing maniacally at Jump Planet, or riding their Spider-Man trikes fast down the driveway at Ong Ngoai's (grandpa's) house makes me want to bottle the very essence of childhood joy. When was the last time you experienced that kind of sheer, unadulterated happiness yourself? Those who have children can live vicariously through them, but think hard on your own "lightness of being" and zero in on the moment it last happened for you. Is life a series of these cataclysmic moments of intense happiness strung together between episodes of dullness or tragedy? Instead of dwelling on all the events in our lives that bring us down, it might be possible to meditate only on those that have brought us perfect contentment in order to supply our soul with the food it needs to generate good energy. Just as we need to detoxify our bodies, we need to detoxify our minds of the negativity that serves only to waste space and time that could instead be filled with more joy. It's easier said than done when modern life stresses us out so much. But learning to purge anger, fear, worry, and hate from our hearts and minds is just as important as learning to take care of your bodily health.
One of the hardest things for me to do right now is to try to find forgiveness for those who have wronged me. I'm not talking about shaking hands and making up. I mean the true kind of forgiveness that only the heart can grant in order to replace anger and resentment with peace and serenity. There is plenty of anger there at those who have seriously let me down, fear of painful medical procedures that must be endured, worry over finances and bills, and hate of terrorists, bigots, racists, real-life pirates, stampeding shoppers, gun-toting gangsters at the malls. So much in life to weigh us down, making forgiveness more and more of a precious commodity. But forgive I must if I wish to be unencumbered of much of the negativity that helped feed my disease. For now, I can only work on it a little bit each day because it's hard to undo a lifetime's worth. In order to shift off some of the weight that held me down, I must concentrate on those moments of incredible lightness of being that made it possible for me to fall up into the sky.
When worry keeps me up at night, I could look into the sleeping faces of my little boys and see peace and innocence. If only we could only borrow a bit of these precious qualities from our children, our adult lives might be better lived. I remember lying in the grass under my dad's immense cedar tree in the backyard and staring up at a cloud-free blue sky; warm October sunshine penetrating my skin and driving out the chill in my bones. For a few peaceful moments, the pain in my body simply didn't register. The clear sky seen through tangles of fragrant cedar branches while lying still on my back gave me a sensation of falling up into the universe. It's the same feeling I experienced while watching a meteor shower from my sleeping bag when was just a kid. I stared so long at the starry sky that I felt as if I was swirling up, up into the cosmos. I felt light as air and part of the bigger universe, no longer confined to my corner of the world. I've heard Spencer laughing in his sleep, and Rowan sighing very contentedly. It makes me wonder what 2-year olds dream about when they are sleeping.
Watching Rowan and Spencer laugh while running wildly through water fountains at Great Wolf Lodge, or bouncing maniacally at Jump Planet, or riding their Spider-Man trikes fast down the driveway at Ong Ngoai's (grandpa's) house makes me want to bottle the very essence of childhood joy. When was the last time you experienced that kind of sheer, unadulterated happiness yourself? Those who have children can live vicariously through them, but think hard on your own "lightness of being" and zero in on the moment it last happened for you. Is life a series of these cataclysmic moments of intense happiness strung together between episodes of dullness or tragedy? Instead of dwelling on all the events in our lives that bring us down, it might be possible to meditate only on those that have brought us perfect contentment in order to supply our soul with the food it needs to generate good energy. Just as we need to detoxify our bodies, we need to detoxify our minds of the negativity that serves only to waste space and time that could instead be filled with more joy. It's easier said than done when modern life stresses us out so much. But learning to purge anger, fear, worry, and hate from our hearts and minds is just as important as learning to take care of your bodily health.
One of the hardest things for me to do right now is to try to find forgiveness for those who have wronged me. I'm not talking about shaking hands and making up. I mean the true kind of forgiveness that only the heart can grant in order to replace anger and resentment with peace and serenity. There is plenty of anger there at those who have seriously let me down, fear of painful medical procedures that must be endured, worry over finances and bills, and hate of terrorists, bigots, racists, real-life pirates, stampeding shoppers, gun-toting gangsters at the malls. So much in life to weigh us down, making forgiveness more and more of a precious commodity. But forgive I must if I wish to be unencumbered of much of the negativity that helped feed my disease. For now, I can only work on it a little bit each day because it's hard to undo a lifetime's worth. In order to shift off some of the weight that held me down, I must concentrate on those moments of incredible lightness of being that made it possible for me to fall up into the sky.
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