Patience for the Patient

To my great surprise this week, I discovered it was already August! Time and space is a foreign country to me lately, and like a lost traveler on holiday, I am constantly asking what day of the week it is. My days pass alternately in a buzz of activity or in an oblivion of heavy sleep following intermittent fits of pain, the final vestiges of treatment. Although most of the side effects of the chemoradiation have subsided, I am leveled daily by fatigue. Of course, that may simply be attributed to the fact that I'm the mother of twin 2-year old boys. I've noticed a pattern of really good days where I am infused with the energy and determination to accomplish much as a means of reclaiming some sense of normalcy. But after pushing myself to an unseen limit on those days, I collapse into a dopey state of exhaustion and fragility on the next.

On good days, I am up early to hug my sons good morning, make them breakfast and enjoy it with them. Summoning new energy later in the evening, I manage to cobble together a gourmet dinner with my nephew Connor as my sous chef after being inspired by an episode of Everyday Italian. In between my re-discovered obsession with food preparation, I attend Connor's soccer practices, go grocery shopping, play at the park with the kids, visit friends, and do some laundry and housework. It's all a part of my efforts to re-attend to the details of life by not being a patient for a few hours out of every day. But inevitably, the whir of activity on any given day results in low energy and mostly bed rest on the following day. The first day I was able to drive myself again, I was happy to linger behind a big trailer going only 55 mph on the freeway so that I could relish the metallic brightness of passing cars and savor the lush summer scenery, a welcome change from staring at the walls all those weeks in convalescence. Lately, I tend to walk more slowly but I take in so much more of my surroundings. Although tired and unfocused at times, I really do try to have quality conversations and listen to others more attentively than I used to. When possible, I dedicate my full attention to Rowan and Spencer when they want to communicate with me. The result of being with them most of the day instead of having them in daycare has resulted in an explosion of their vocabulary, tactile skills, and social interaction. Much of that has to do with the daily involvement of Zhivago, Toni and Connor. I am so impressed by the development of my little sons into funny and amazing little persons of their own. They are growing up so fast!

This week, my cousins are visiting from all over the county for our family reunion. Thuy, her husband Aaron, their 3-month old baby Zuri are in from Hawaii. Carolyn came in from California, and newlywed Uyen and her husband Carsten flew all the way from New York. My uncle and aunt are here from Vietnam, visiting the United States for the very first time. Because this assemblage of extended family is unprecedented and not likely to happen again any time soon, we hired a professional photographer to chronicle our reunion. We planned this back in May and here we are already in August, with so many reasons to celebrate! It is unbelievable to me that so much has happened since my diagnosis only 3 short months ago. My life has taken a drastic turn, been shaken inside out and upside down, and here I am with my entire family and so many re-affirmed friendships in the tiny space of 3 months to absorb the enormity of it all. Into every life, a little sadness must fall so that we can learn to truly appreciate all that we have to be joyful about.

Before I drop off to sleep every night, I remember to say a prayer not only for myself to get better, but also for all my friends and their family members who are battling cancer- just as I promised that I would for them. When I wake, I am thankful for each and every new day, despite the current struggles with my health. I am grateful to many, many friends for their love and help during my illness, and to my family for their constant love and support. My sons are the light and love of my life, and their names are on my lips first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Although I have not quite been myself lately, I have also realized that I will never be that same person again. Illness has made me a patient, but through this experience I have also learned to BE more patient. More importantly, I am grateful that everyone in my life has developed patience for the new me. "Be kind to others, for they may be facing a harder battle." --Plato