Healthy On The Outside

I guess I'm relatively fortunate to not have deteriorated to the point where it's readily apparent that I'm fighting cancer. Friends who've seen me recently tell me that I look and sound well, not sick at all. To me, that's the best kind of feedback because no one wants to look as ill as they feel at times. Some express surprise that I haven't lost any hair. Because radiation treatment was focused on my lower body, there was never any real danger of me losing any of my hair, and the chemo wasn't enough to really make it all fall out. I actually lost more hair after my pregnancy when my hormones were all out of whack.

I only lost a total of 8 lbs at the conclusion of treatment, when most patients tend to lose about 20 lbs. I'm at about 120 lbs now. So far, I've kept the weight off even as my appetite has returned with a vengeance- in fact, I'm thinking about a ham sandwich even as I type this- but I am eating much healthier now. I've cut out red meat almost entirely, and eat mostly chicken and fish, brown rice, eight-grain bread, and lots of greens and fruit, some of it organic. My stepmom cooks a lot of simple, healthy and tasty Vietnamese dishes for me and I'm on my way to building up my strength again before surgery in a month. With any luck, the cancer cells have all been obliterated, so I have to pack in the protein since my healthy tissues need a chance to regenerate after the onslaught of chemoradiation. But I do sneak in a lot of chocolate, which is strange because I crave it more now than I used to. Dark chocolate does happen to have antioxidant qualities. My family tells me my face looks slightly slimmer than before, but my baby belly is still hanging out there as a badge of maternal honor. I got back my pre-pregnancy weight, but I will never again regain my pre-pregnancy shape, sigh. That belly bulge will never go away unless I give in and go for a tummy tuck; but I hardly need another surgery since I will have had a total of three by year's end.

Some of the photos I've posted on this blog page were actually taken in the past month. My friend Toshi and his wife Cherry Mae said they're surprised and pleased that I look more well than they thought I would considering everything I've gone through. Other than moving more slowly, being more fatigued, and experiencing those annoying hot flashes, most of my cancer routine is privately fought. I take my pills several times daily as I have for the past few months, and it's getting to the point where I really detest swallowing pills. But I can feel the residual pain and inflammation inside when I don't take them on time. I can't wait until I'll be done with them for good, but surgery is coming up soon so I think I may be carrying those little plastic bottles with the white caps for some time yet.

When I feel good and have some energy, I save it to play with Rowan and Spencer or I take short, easy walks just to breathe in some fresh air and get some vitamin sunshine. When I do go out, I put on some foundation and plenty of blush so that I can glow a little and hide any pallor or the dark circles under my eyes. For now, I will happily masquerade around as a healthy person on the outside. That way, I am not scaring anyone with what could otherwise be an outward reflection of my inward battle.