On Friendships & Children

The accumulation of friendships, more than material possessions, is the essence of a life well-lived. When you pass out of life, you leave all of your things behind and take only the love you have accumulated through relationships in your life. I could not endure what I'm going through with this illness without the love of family and friends to sustain me and give me the emotional quality of life that I am now lacking in my physical health. Having so much time for thinking now that I am in recovery from treatment, I often contemplate my friendships and wonder what it is that binds friends together over the passage time and the obstacles of geographical distance. My brother Zhivago says he's amazed that I have been able to keep up so many friendships that could have easily dissipated over the years for exactly the reasons of time and distance. I tell him that true friendships maintain themselves. However, even if the friendship exists in our heart, some effort has to be made to remind our friends that we are thinking of them and continue to love them even though it's been a while since the last phone call, letter, or visit. Although the people we love may be scattered across the globe, we bind them in our hearts so that they always feel near to us when we need them the most.

Yesterday was my friend Frank's birthday. We met about 9 years ago when he and two of his friends came from Australia to travel through South America and wind their way up north to the States. We befriended one another through my sister's friend Katie, who had met the Australians while traveling herself. For 3 brief weeks, Frank and I spent time together with Nina and her friends, sowing the seeds of what will essentially become a lifelong friendship. We had picnics, listened to music, took lots of photos, read poetry from Frank's notebook, talked about his beloved nieces and nephews and life in Australia, and just generally basked in the joy of a new and exciting friendship. Even though we knew each other for only a few short weeks, we have remained friends over the years because Frank possesses a depth of feeling, a profound sensitivity to the beauty of life, a generous heart and a beautiful soul. He wrote me an intensely thoughtful letter recently, and I want to share an excerpt of it because we both love kids so much. He wrote, "A child's honesty reminds me of our friendship. It is also pure, free of wants or needs, never asking why but just knowing true." We celebrated Frank's birthday that year with a chocolate Tasmanian Devil cake. And although we have not seen each other once in all the years that have passed since then, we have never failed to wish each other happy birthday each and every year since that fateful summer. Our friendship has been one of reciprocity of spirit, not one of physical proximity. That is why I am assured of its quality and grateful for its duration.

Yesterday, my friends Kat and Karen and I had a play date with all our kids. As we sat at the kitchen table eating gourmet bagels and homemade puff pastries, we supervised the chaos of 6 kids running around with balloons, sidewalk chalk, Tickle Me Elmo, juice boxes and chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs. I see my girlfriends more regularly now than I used to since they are both teachers with summer vacation off. It was cute seeing our kids share sips of their juice and giving each other bites of their food. We can already see the next generation following in our footsteps nicely. Our children make women like us feel strong and vulnerable at the same time. Karen shared some scary news regarding her own health yesterday, and as the three of us stood around in disbelief, shedding tears and hugging, Karen explained how the news affected her first and foremost as a mother. Bad news about your health essentially changes your complete outlook on life when you have children who you are responsible for. None of us can change when we die or how, but we can only choose how we are going to live now. Knowing Karen, and for all the reasons we are friends in the first place, I know she will not let this overcome her. She has a joie de vivre and the kind of optimism that will not be smothered easily. As friends, we will take care of each other and exercise the kind of vigilance that will serve to fiercely guard each other's health and happiness. Karen can be assured of the quality and duration of our friendship as well because I pledge to be there for her as she has been for me.