The World Through Cancer Goggles

A brush with your own mortality tends to lend more focus and clarity to your world view. Cancer heightens our awareness of the life around us, and forces us to see people and things for who and what they are, both good and bad. It presents several contradictions in terms. Cancer patients become more kind, and yet more fierce too because our survival instincts kick in. We approach things more gently, but we also reserve the right to be assertive so that others hear our true voice. I have always been passive aggressive in dealing with unpleasant people in my life, but now I have even less tolerance for ridiculous or negative people who don't possess the capacity to shine any light into my life. When I stop to consider how many loved ones and kind friends I've lost to cancer, it makes me less inclined to spend any time tolerating those who detract from, rather than enhance, the quality of my life. Whether people fall out or are forced out from your life, it's your prerogative to vet each and every one of them. Cancer tends to help with the vetting process. Those who love you will put forth the effort, others will simply be absent.

Take a moment to count how many times cancer has crossed your path, either personally or through a loved one. Consider how you handled yourself in either scenario. We hear the word cancer so often, yet if it's not happening to us then it's easy to fall into a mode of fear, sympathy, action or inaction as suits our character. There are those who are sympathetic, but feel guilty that they can't do more to help, those who do too much as a means of coping with the diagnosis, and those who feel so fearful and awkward and don't know what to say, so they do nothing at all. Unfortunately, I have had too much experience in cancer care. Even when I didn't know what to say to a dying person, I have sat by their bedside in order to provide what company and comfort I could. I visited my friend Walter in the hospital when he had pancreatic cancer and simply let him tell me jokes or stories of his youth. He was a wonderful older gentleman who used to work as a door greeter at Target with me, and knowing that I got to spend some time with him before he passed keeps him in my heart. He had a roomful of people at his funeral who never once bothered to visit him while he was still alive.

I also spent some time with my friend Katalin before she, too, died of cancer. She hid her illness, so there was little time to thank her for her friendship. She could no longer speak audibly, but because she could still hear me, I made a point to tell her how good and kind she had always been to me. And of course, there was my mom. A mother's lifetime cut short, and a daughter's lifeline to the past that is forever severed. All I have left are a few stories of her girlhood in Vietnam, some photos and memories, and many unrealized dreams of her as a grandmother to my twin sons.

My beautiful friend Cherrymae found out this week that her father has a tumor in his lung, but he is staying strong for his family. She and her husband have been tremendously supportive of me during my illness, and to hear that they now have to face this news just breaks my heart. But just as they have been there for me, I pledge to support and comfort them as much as I am able. Also, I listened in disbelief this morning as my uncle recounted how my cousin lost his young wife to cancer just over a year ago. She was only 33 years old and had two miscarriages before they discovered that cancer was the reason she kept losing her babies. Although I only met her once, I feel blessed to have known her face and shared a meal with the woman whom my cousin loved so much.

There is much amiss in the world right now, but also much to be thankful for if we only dig deep. This year has undoubtedly been one of my worst, and so many of my friends and loved ones are suffering from a variety of illnesses or misfortunes themselves. Yet from every tragedy new hope emerges. My family has never been closer, and I know that we will always love and take care of each other in times of crisis. I love my sons more fiercely because the thought that I could have lost a lifetime with them still pinches my heart. So many of my true friends have come through for me, and I will forever be thankful to have seen their kind hearts and good character in action. No matter how often the visits, how small the gesture, how quick the phone call, how short the e-mail, every little bit of kindness is appreciated by the cancer patient. Consider how you would want to be treated if you had cancer, and think about who in your life will there for you if you do. Count me among those who will be there for you.