Crisis = Danger + Opportunity

I got through my first round of adjuvant chemo none worse for the wear. Fearing the worst, the side effects were quite manageable. My surgical incision has healed nicely and I've been able to resume some physical activities such as taking longer walks with my kids. The chemo may have a cumulative effect with each subsequent treatment, but the best preparation is knowledge and management now that I know what to expect.

The next task at hand is to better manage my emotional health. Stress, grief, worry affect us all and can contribute to disease as much as a poor diet or genetic factors. My belief is that my cure has either already happened or is imminent, so now I can focus on healing my inner self. I've been reading several cancer survivor memoirs that have galvanized me into taking a whole approach to getting well. I've changed my diet, my exercise habits, but I still need to get to a place where stress and worry can't hound me. I'm sure there are those out there who don't understand why I can't be more positive-thinking, why I've been so sensitive and fragile emotionally even as I emerged into recovery.

For those of you who are wondering, who don't already know, I've been battling the dual evils of cancer and divorce. For six years, I've mostly hidden the fact that I've been married to an incorrigible alcoholic. It took the onset of my disease to realize the nature of his disease. Up until now, only those closest to me understand why there has been no mention of my husband on this blog, why there are no pictures of him, why he is persona non grata in my cancer experience. Some of you have been able to read between the lines. For others, the news is stunning. This entire journey would have been a completely different experience if I had been sustained by a reliable and supportive partner throughout. But that wasn't the case.

Even during during treatment, even as I try to move on, he is there at every turn making my life a living hell. Now you understand why I've been fighting so hard to get better-- so I can protect my kids from a life with an alcoholic. I've received amazing support from my own family and friends. There are others who have reacted to his drinking and the subsequent destruction of our family as a seeming matter of indifference to them. They even deny there is a problem and have sat drinking and commiserating with him-- enabling the alcoholic. These negative persons stood by, helpless they claim, even as they witnessed alcohol and emotional abuse in our house or knew about his transgressions. They did nothing to stop it or to help me, and I had to finally confess to my family and friends the extent of this dirty secret, immediately on the heels of announcing my cancer diagnosis.

Why say something now? Because in order to heal fully, body and mind, I need light and resonance in my life instead of dark, secret corners. In the memoir I'm reading, "Anti-Cancer, A New Way of Life", it is mentioned that the Chinese symbol for 'crisis' are the combined characters of 'danger' and 'opportunity'. That is where I see myself in my journey. At this point, I must pull myself and my children out of danger so that we may have the opportunity to always be safe and enjoy a better life than we've had up until now. My prognosis is excellent, and surviving both cancer and divorce will help me to emerge not only as a better person, but as the best mother I can be for my children so that they will always learn how to turn a dangerous crisis into opportunity.