Insomnia & Hospital Paperwork

I haven't been very good at updating my blog lately. Not for lack of conscious-stream thought, but because I've had so much weighing on my mind that it falls out of my head at night instead of through the tips of my fingers on the keyboard. Insomnia has had a powerful influence on my frazzled mind and frayed emotions lately. My surgery is less than one week away and there seems to be no end to the details that must be attended to before I go under the knife. Kids, paperwork, finances, house, etc. Tired but sleepless every night; worry consuming my waking hours. Even if I do manage to snooze, I'm frequently awakened by my bladder and remain in a state of feverish thinking long after I've emptied it. By the time sleep claims me, morning has broken and everyone in the house is stirring when I most want to sink under the blankets. They say lack of sleep ages you most next only to sun exposure and smoking cigarettes.

This weekend, longtime friends came to visit me from San Bernardino, California. They've known us since our childhood in Colorado. Now their own kids are in their mid- to late- 20s, all with careers, some with kids of their own. They have been incredibly good to me. I think back on many friendships nearing the three decade mark, and many others of comparable quality that have been nourished in shorter spans. I think also of many friends who have been lost over the years; some who have died and others who are ghosts all the same. So many have come through for me, even some from unexpected corners. Still others I thought I could count on are not heard from and nowhere to be found. But I have no grievance because each person and each family has its own measure of trouble and grief, none of which is truly relative because it strikes us all differently and hurts us in ways only we can feel. Friends can help to mitigate our pain, but we must carry the load ourselves.

I went to my first pre-op appointment today to fill out paperwork and get blood work done prior to surgery- it helps to cut down on the number of tasks that make the day of the operation hectic. They took three vials of blood to test my counts- white and red blood cells, and verify blood type in case of transfusion during surgery. Although both nurses were very nice, I sense that they see many, many patients and I'm just another person with cancer and this is where they show up to work everyday. I've spent so much time in hospitals with my mom, when I had the babies, since my diagnosis and treatment, even to visit friends when they were in need. It is both a scary and comforting place to me, and I will be spending 5 to 10 days here after abdominal re-section. I am meeting with my surgeon tomorrow to go over the test results and discuss the plan of action for surgery. This week will go by fast and I am trying to keep my fears at bay as the date approaches. If only I could sleep........